I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head)
(...)

I'm taking in all the acetate/alcohol, my lungs they are driven into something I cannot quite explain. Ruining my nails like I'm ruining my life? I don't know. Was every day of 2009 a past regret, something unfulfilled? People always reflect on the last day of the year, so I guess I'm doing mine. 2009 was a nerve-wrecking year. I remember all the stupid duties I've learnt to let go, and I've turned into this reckless, emotional and irresponsible person. All the changes, my inabilities.

How I couldn't cope with amath. Always failing failing and then finally getting a four. Doing relatively better for prelims, screwing up my last lap of olevels. Everyday was a struggle, my whole system all lethargic and stony, trying to remember all my facts and apply apply apply. I remember studying for food the day before and acing it the next day. That was something. and then comes all the rest of the horrid subjects...always average average average.

Then there were the friends. For a period I was sick of being in a clique, for having a commitment to stick together with the five of them but going away, it was a good and a bad thing. I became closer to danielle and I realised that everyone whom I had a horrid impression on-they actually were someone else, someone better, people with their flaws and their beautiful strengths. Crying every day and hearing everyone voice their opinions, confused, lost. But everything turned out alright, I learned to see the beauty of everyone, to put it simply. For this, I owe it to my sister and danielle nicole lai. Hello, thank you for being such a wonderful friend. I know I always say this and it has become such a cliche phrase, perhaps over-used like "i love you", but it's true. I love crashing your place and climbing four storeys and teaching me amath like there's no tomorrow. oh and Growing up!

and then there was choir. I miss being in something special that could make me feel the accomplishment.
I remember forgetting God and then during church camp this year, learning that escapism isn't a solution. Well I should really apply it to my life right now. With prayer and petition.

Now everything is pretty hazy. I guess holidays really drains out  your mind and soul. I just remember bits and pieces of everything, all my memories are pretty haphazard and murky. I guess the last obstacle was losing God and feeling stony and thinking about you. I guess everything's better now, just that five years later in my dictionary meant a lot to me.



2009 was also
recession, the little nyona, fighting spiders, olvls, danielle nicole lai, poppins ( i still love you guys a lot. thanks for everything), my dg(we got closer!),  you and family.
also wonghweemin (she somehow always made me smile because she was so mad) and doing mad things together (like ivena climbing into 4b to get her notes) and syah, koh, vijay and I climbing ladders during morning assembly. omg and being late! I think I was late around ten times this year, it was mad I always tried to run away from the mr seah guy i hated him so much at one point.

I think I made too many mistakes this year, but I think every one mistake I made led to something greater. It's true: God has great plans for us, so come 2010, my life's yours, God.

I've been holding back for so long, thank you God for letting me find out. Now I don't have to go on living my life like this. I think I'll still think of you time and time again because of all those memories, but with time, I guess even the waves can wash out all the markings of this memory. As simple as it is, it's really quite painful because I've held on to this for so long and I don't know...my heart aches but it feels relieved at the same time. That part of me is letting go, and I know part of me is still hoping. ( Sorry I'm being ridiculously ambiguous here, well not like anyone reads this anymore because it's pretty much dead. )

x
Time to move on. Christmas this year was better than last year's. Worshiping till the song's stuck in my head at 9pm with merely a guitar and a few people is really, truly awesome. The log cake was good, and I got to see all my children and baby Nicole...the one which I kissed when she was still a baby. I miss my po pin gang and Dnel Nicole Lai and people like (according to him) "the last man on the shelf" jusboy. Time for distractions.
Oh and the people that I'll say I send letters to, I haven't and I'm really sorry cos I've been so busy lately I don't have time to go to the post office, so really really sorry. I'll send them out soon!


I wish I knew you. I don't want to love you anymore.

Hello, church camp was really really awesome. I have been forgetting this place and I don't think I'll really come back very often unless there's this sudden urge to. It's been really great getting to know more people and just being mad with everyone else, and not forgetting, all that sharing. I think through this camp, my perspective of things has really changed. I'm beginning to see that there is beauty in everyone, so I should look at everyone with the beauty that God has created them in, so no more judging people or conforming into the ways of the world. Very often, I sing i'll never be the same again, but this time, i think i'd really never be the same again. I guess camps are really your spiritual highs, and even though sometimes I doubt God, but I realised that escapism is really never a solution. Sometimes people just want to break free from the love of God to control their own life, but I've learnt that it's going to be real tough to get back to God.

Also, in terms of being lukewarm, i can't remember which verse it was but it says this: "because you are lukewarm-neither hot or cold, i'm about to spit you out". I've read this thousands of times, but it never really occured to me that it was so serious, so I really have got to make the commitment to change. and also, i guess we are often afraid of how the world perceives us, as being too holy or being faithful to God. Seriously, they don't know anything about your faith when they say that, because that's not for them to judge but for God. With regards to how the world perceives us, I don't think I want to think so much about it anymore. I'm not pretty and definitely not the smartest, but I've learnt to let go of those things. Because we're not junk, we're God's masterpiece. That really stood out for me, so I'm going to start living life right.

I just really hope it won't be temporary. When I was doing the prayer station, I was really afraid to commit to God in fear that there'll be another rejection, that I'd fall again, in the hands of Satan and his angels. This really stood out for me: "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and mountains fall from the heat of the sea"- Psalms 46:1-2. In view of this, I guess God's trying to tell me to let go and surrender all because His plans for me are so much greater. Because God has always been faithful and has always loved us with His perfect love, I'm trying not to doubt Him. I know many people will come out with theories to try to twist the thoughts of us, but I guess faith is really holding on to something you know that's going to be really good. I still don't know everything, but I'm going to take this step of faith to trust in the Lord that He'll let me be new and He will show me the path to righteousness.

Because Christianity is not just a religion, it's a daily walk with God. Because God is my only hope, and He is the love of my life. Because even the slightest things matter and He will cleanse me with His blood. Because I know Satan will still tempt me. "The heart is willing, but the flesh is weak", I very often find myself saying that the heart is unwilling and therefore the flesh is weak, but beacause with this leap of faith I'm taking, I know every little thing is going to be alright.

I. To my dearest Lucy Van Pelt, you could say our friendship was like a(...)