10 things I learnt today:
1) Life isn't magic. Things don't mysteriously turn out well. You have to fight for it, or you die.
2) I'm not the same person as I was before.
3) My weakest point? Being weak.
4) I'm not so sure of myself anymore.
5) Right now, I think I'm the ultimate loser.
6) It's time I do something for God.
7) I need to start seeking.
8) When I watch shows and movies of the charming boyfriend, I shape and mould the perfect one and then I worry I won't even find the one.
9) I want to start truly being myself.
10) But how?

I'm sick of feeling like this. I sat in the train thinking, seriously, what am I doing in life? I know everyone has their flaws, but can't I just be good at something? I have (...)

      

Hello, so my life has been recently tumultuous. Some days are just really happy, while others are sad. I've been past my pensive, melancholy days and now all I want to do is do something other than Olvls but something productive. To tell you the truth, I really can't think of what to do after Olvls. Dnel, I think... I might not get a job.

This is what I have to do in two months: prom night video, renovate my room (finally!), pack all my books off to jurgen, learn malay first, tokyo, church camp, trip with angeline and lulise, recreate all my playlists, throw away all my socks, OMG THROW AWAY MY SHOESSSSS YES. (or maybe not, my dad says it deserves to be in a museum), send dad's camera for a cleaning + buy film, check out all the cafes and museums with Danielle, chalet (haha i can't believe myself but yeah i'm going),  and i guess reconnect with lost souls/friends out there?

After Os I have to er get my flu jab. Don't get your H1N1 jab if you don't need to, the boy in canada. If you didn't get any side effects, good for you. There's this video on youtube whereby some cheerleader experienced side effects, her nerves couldn't function cos the jab triggered something in her nerves. She can't walk properly, and talk properly etc. Maybe i'm skeptical but there's some people out there who claims that the doctor who was being interviewed was lying...idk. Others said its the preservative that some jabs were lacking that triggered it. Whtever, i'm not a science student but omg just don't be like that. It's scary.
x
Everytime we had to fill up forms, when I see hobbies, my mind blanks out. Yeah, same thing for oral exams... I have to smoke my way through a hobby like oh my hobby's reading books or playing a sport but in actual fact, i don't have a hobby. That's sad. 

ok sleep. In actual fact, I have one more paper. I'll pump up my MCQ tomorrow!

Seriously, i don't know what to do in life anymore. I usually don't like to say this, but honestly, i think I'm a major failure right now. I think I screwed up my olvls majorly. I felt like I put in more effort for prelims, and I did better for combined humans in prelims. and shit. very well, today i had to choose the wrong question for lit. i pulled a stunt and did poem. very well done, right. the sister said she pulled a stunt for gp and got a C.

and do I stick to my cafe plan? or venture into food/media i think there's another one I can't remember. Yeah thing is if I can get it. I want to whineee and whineeee and cry. Must be the period. I really don't know what to do after Os. I think I'm like ): to find a job. I want to whine to corrrrrrryne and

Maybe I should have been a boy. Do i question my identity now? Boys are more motivated, someone once said...or is that all like a stereotype? Somehow, I do not wish to say that I didn't really study is/was the reason to me forever being categorized in a mediocre range but rather, I am quite inept in everything. I lost the meaning for life, seriously what the hell right.

and uh...I don't want to get married. Sex involves blood right. I've been having a lot of nightmares...maybe I should bag a boyfriend so that I can have nice dreams of us running in the field. What the hellllllll I can't believe myself. I might lapse into my selfish building of bridges to refuse the world, yet again.

If you happen to read this, pardon my haphazard thoughts...I never do make sense. All tripe. I hate this

This is how I vent my anger, all the ugly it lingers
My dreams they turn into nightmares viciously
they haunt me and now as vicious as it might seem
I hope they haunt you too

I seriously hate how insensitive people can be. Today's amath paper was bad and the fact that it was bad enough, some idiot had to tell me that it was manageable or okay/good. That's the last thing I want to hear, thank you for making me feel even more horrible. I am reminded of how inept I am, you don't have to tell me. My seven marks!! Stupid R-formulae, you deserve to die. I spent so much time on you my beloved amath now you only die. You cease to linger in my skin, you have diffused out of my world and very sadly, some part of me will miss you but I hate you so much.
Kelvin said his sc friend cried cos she lost one mark from yesterday's paper. I lost maybe about, fifty over marks!?! For today's paper. Yesterday i lost maybe ten. Very well done.

Burn the books.
Unfortunately, very unfortunately... the O lvls' making me very cranky. Mad dreams, or rather, nightmares they have been piling up. Sorry if I happen to hate you one day because I happen to dream about you potentially raping me or any of that sort. Well, I apologize but things like that do happen. I'm sorry that I refuse to talk because the conversations they have turned too generic and if I happen to speak, it's only out of sympathy. and seriously, will you stop wallowing in self-pity?! It doesn't work on me.

Danielle, you'll understand. She is my new hobby, and I'm frequenting her house so often that I even forgot to bring my school uniform. Very well done. Ok wait is frequenting actually suitable? It sounds like a shop now. Ha ha, not funny. blobz i'm bored. We are going to learn Malay etc. and we are going to frequent all the ice cream shops and visit the Malayan Railway across her house!



Some dreams, they are overrated. In such cases, they only die.